When You Don’t Get To Announce Your Pregnancy – The Refiner’s Fire


The special veil has been lifted…you know the one where there is an idealistic side of life where in general you are safe and life is good. Sure, bad things happen, but they are isolated, and for the most part, are for others. 

To be clear, I know I’m not alone. Many experience this and those that do come to this point through pain and suffering.  

A refiner’s fire.

About 10 days ago, the Lord blessed us with my wife being pregnant.  Oh the emotion that went through our hearts and bodies! Both of us in our 40’s, and me pushing 50, really creates many questions for my wife and I…most go unanswered. 

So many “what ifs” and thoughts of “what do we do now” are mixed with the joy and uncertainty of the life, now growing in the womb.  On our knees we pray to God asking Him to do a work in us, to prepare us to be new born parents again.  

We also acknowledge to Him the sin we have of not wanting our lives to change; we just got it where we wanted it.  We had passed certain stages where we were sure we were done. We just finished giving everything away.

So many emotions to wrestle with – Anxiousness, joy, shock, excitement, disbelief, anticipation and fear; just to name a few.

We have been through so much the last 5 years. I’m certain my wife and I are different people.  We see things differently than we did. We see God differently. We know God differently than we did.

Between Thursday and Sunday we had four pregnancy tests show positive. We remained in a sort of shock and hesitancy towards accepting it until the doctor confirmed the new life.  It was probably a mixture of denial and that of not wanting to fully commit emotionally to the new child in case he/she was not to be.

On Monday the doctor visit came, blood was drawn and the results would be in 24 hours.  As Bonnie was leaving the doctors office everyone congratulated her and essentially said – based on your symptoms and the four home pregnancy tests – you are with child.

Confirmation came the next morning – we were at four weeks. We already knew, we were already planning and thinking…oh how wonderful this new baby will be for the growth of our family.  Our other children will be so blessed and learn so much about life.

An hour later I get the call.  Honey, I’m bleeding.

For the next four days small spots turn to big spots which turn to large clots. The realization that we were having a miscarriage sets in. Within an hour of the doctor saying we were pregnant, we now had a new flood of emotion and thoughts…guilt too.

The doctor, family and friends who’ve “been there before,” and endless searches on google confirm that we lost the baby. Outside of a miracle, the life of this child has ended quicker than it began.

A new set of emotions have set in on top of the yet unprocessed emotions we had when we did the first pregnancy test.

Life here on earth is just, well, hard.  It starts and ends for each of us the same way – like that of our child.  Most people just have more time in between.  Time to live, laugh and love.

Men Silhouette In The FogThroughout the process a number of Bible verses kept coming to mind. Perhaps the one that came most is Romans 8:28 – And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.

Like everything that has happened in our lives over the last 5 years, when we look back, we see that what happened, no matter how painful, no matter how difficult, changed us and made us more like God’s Son.

With each fire or trial (1 Peter 1:7), we were made new in some way. Some part of the ideological world is being burned away.

If the last five years has taught us anything, it’s taught us that God gives us difficulty, pain and suffering to go through, not around. 

More and more our prayer life is changing from “heal me, take this from me”, to, “give us the strength to get through, and may You be glorified.” God is glorified when we become more like His Son.

It’s the fire that refines us and gets us close to the cross.  Which is exactly where I want to be.  If it takes trials, then may trials come.

Christ Follower, Fortunate Husband, Home-school Dad, Blessed Dad of 4, Bible Reading, Video Game Enthusiast, AFOL, Worn Out & Fully Redeemed.

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4 thoughts on “When You Don’t Get To Announce Your Pregnancy – The Refiner’s Fire

  1. Dear Richard,
    Thank you for writing about your experience. I too am not the same person I was before this happened to us.
    It happened in 1980. We had had beautiful babies born to us in 1977,78,79, and this was just as welcoming to me. The scenario was similar …but, I just did not want to believe it. I had been in a bible study and had come to believe in Christ as savior. How could this be happening to me? Then, my grieving came and I saw life not from my ease and humor of how “I” was able to conceive so easily, but how miraculous this life was that now was no more. I wanted another. Scott was born in 1981… and my faith was strengthening and the Lord was preparing Ed
    for his faith to be fired up from years of dormancy. We then adopted a baby from Japan 9 years later when I was just about 39 and my husband 44. Our youngest now is 24. We have been praying for our children for years that they may know Jesus! We have seen victory upon victory in these years of parenting! We have trials that I won’t write about now, but they were intentionally evil from the pit of hell… and now we have 5 strong adults and they are standing. Some very strong in the Lord, some becoming from complacent to highly devoted.Their stories are theirs and they are fighters for HIs glory.So are we! WE will never stop believing how valuable life is.. Ed and I are not the same in many ways even 2 years ago and we strive to stay close on the vine to bear HIS fruit for HIS kingdom. WE must never give up learning to love HIS ways … through the fire and through the trials. He knew how every trial would impact us and how we respond with HIM makes all the difference in the world! Still learning now in my 60s and hope that HIS glory can be seen through us. Keep writing please!!!

    • Thank you Christine for taking the time to share some of your story – as I was reading your comments, I kept thinking how God was renewing you and your family and drawing you closer to Him – James 1:2-3

      Blessings to you and your family. I pray for your children that they may have a great love for our Lord Jesus Christ and share in His Joy.


  2. You to may find this essay very helpful: http://www.christendom-awake.org/pages/may/hopeforhealing.htm
    as well as this prayer:
    My heart is heavy, Lord. I have just lost my baby. I have done all I could to stay healthy for my little one. Now he has been taken away. I submit to Your loving plan for me and my family. You know what is best for us. Give me the grace not to indulge in self-pity or anger or resentment or bitterness. Help me to accept my loss as Your own dear Mother accepted Your death on Calvary; with complete resignation to the Holy Will of Your Heavenly Father. Help me to pray: “Jesus, it’s all right with me!” or “Thy will be done on earth (in my heart) as it is in Heaven (in Your Heart).” I know my acceptance is the key to my sanity (mental health) and to my sanctity (my spiritual health). Should I become pregnant again may I bring my baby to the waters of baptism and Your holy love. Teach me to be resigned to all the misfortunes of my life as Your dear Mother was. Amen.

    –Father Angelus Shaughnessy, O.F.M. Capuchin