The special veil has been lifted…you know the one where there is an idealistic side of life where in general you are safe and life is good. Sure, bad things happen, but they are isolated, and for the most part, are for others.
To be clear, I know I’m not alone. Many experience this and those that do come to this point through pain and suffering.
A refiner’s fire.
About 10 days ago, the Lord blessed us with my wife being pregnant. Oh the emotion that went through our hearts and bodies! Both of us in our 40’s, and me pushing 50, really creates many questions for my wife and I…most go unanswered.
So many “what ifs” and thoughts of “what do we do now” are mixed with the joy and uncertainty of the life, now growing in the womb. On our knees we pray to God asking Him to do a work in us, to prepare us to be new born parents again.
We also acknowledge to Him the sin we have of not wanting our lives to change; we just got it where we wanted it. We had passed certain stages where we were sure we were done. We just finished giving everything away.
So many emotions to wrestle with – Anxiousness, joy, shock, excitement, disbelief, anticipation and fear; just to name a few.
We have been through so much the last 5 years. I’m certain my wife and I are different people. We see things differently than we did. We see God differently. We know God differently than we did.
Between Thursday and Sunday we had four pregnancy tests show positive. We remained in a sort of shock and hesitancy towards accepting it until the doctor confirmed the new life. It was probably a mixture of denial and that of not wanting to fully commit emotionally to the new child in case he/she was not to be.
On Monday the doctor visit came, blood was drawn and the results would be in 24 hours. As Bonnie was leaving the doctors office everyone congratulated her and essentially said – based on your symptoms and the four home pregnancy tests – you are with child.
Confirmation came the next morning – we were at four weeks. We already knew, we were already planning and thinking…oh how wonderful this new baby will be for the growth of our family. Our other children will be so blessed and learn so much about life.
An hour later I get the call. Honey, I’m bleeding.
For the next four days small spots turn to big spots which turn to large clots. The realization that we were having a miscarriage sets in. Within an hour of the doctor saying we were pregnant, we now had a new flood of emotion and thoughts…guilt too.
The doctor, family and friends who’ve “been there before,” and endless searches on google confirm that we lost the baby. Outside of a miracle, the life of this child has ended quicker than it began.
A new set of emotions have set in on top of the yet unprocessed emotions we had when we did the first pregnancy test.
Life here on earth is just, well, hard. It starts and ends for each of us the same way – like that of our child. Most people just have more time in between. Time to live, laugh and love.
Throughout the process a number of Bible verses kept coming to mind. Perhaps the one that came most is Romans 8:28 – And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
Like everything that has happened in our lives over the last 5 years, when we look back, we see that what happened, no matter how painful, no matter how difficult, changed us and made us more like God’s Son.
With each fire or trial (1 Peter 1:7), we were made new in some way. Some part of the ideological world is being burned away.
If the last five years has taught us anything, it’s taught us that God gives us difficulty, pain and suffering to go through, not around.
More and more our prayer life is changing from “heal me, take this from me”, to, “give us the strength to get through, and may You be glorified.” God is glorified when we become more like His Son.
It’s the fire that refines us and gets us close to the cross. Which is exactly where I want to be. If it takes trials, then may trials come.